Great Expectations, Divorce and the Benefits of an Arranged Marriage

Arranged marriages in the 21st century--I must be joking, right? But there is a huge segment of the world population where arranged marriages are still the norm. Case in point, Farahad Zama's column in last Sunday's N.Y. Times Modern Love column.

Farahad is now a middle-aged man of Indian ancestry and over a decade ago, he happily submitted to his family's plan for an arranged marriage with a girl he'd never met. They married two months later after spending all of forty-five minutes together and by his account, are happily so. He believes there are benefits to falling in love after marriage.

Sounds heretical to American sensibilities where belief is that falling in love is a pre-requisite to a happy marriage--or is it? Farahad points to our country's divorce rate as a reason to be skeptical. He posits the notion that perhaps it is our high (read unrealistic) expectations, a result of having stars in our eyes when we marry, that may lead to the shock and disappointment of discovering that your romantic white knight is no longer the man who comes home tired at night or the adventurous imp you married has turned into a cranky mother of a toddler.

Do we expect too much from the men we fall in love with and vice versa?

Farahad writes: "I think that in arranged marriages one starts with lower expectations and realizes the need for compromise is essential in a successful bond, and that is probably its biggest benefit."

My critique partner, Shobhan Bantwal, who is also Indian and has a fabulous novel coming out in September from Kensington called The Sari Shop Widow, has been happily married for decades. Her marriage was arranged.

India's divorce rate is amongst the lowest in the world at 1.1% compared to the U.S. divorce rate of 50%. Still how much is due to cultural taboo and how many of those Indian marriages are actually happy ones is any one's guess. But it does give one pause and something to consider.

Farahad concludes: " What I am sure about is that our marriage, arranged with other considerations in mind, took us from acquaintance to love and kept us together until we realized that our differences are the yin and yang that make our relationship whole. Now we consider ourselves absolutely perfect for each other. Somewhere in that is a lesson, I am sure."

As a romance writer and reader I must say I've always loved the "marriage of convenience" plot, whether the mail-order bride of the West or the economic and titled alliances of the Regency, I enjoy reading about a hero and heroine who start out their marriage as strangers with little in common and yet must find a way to build trust and make it all work. Even today, you can find contemporary romances where the plot is about two dissimilar people forced into a marriage situation.

Maybe the reason I enjoy them so much is that you get to see the "married" side of romance and all the pitfalls inherent in trying to sustain a viable marriage, something I can relate to. Because even the best marriages take a lot of work and compromise, something those of us with decades long "happy marriages" know all too well.

So do we expect too much from those we fall in love with? Could there be some benefits to arranged matches with "other considerations" beyond love in mind? Do you enjoy the Marriage of Convenience plot line?

Do Something Romantic....

The other day the President took his wife on a night out in NYC. Today the New York Times had an article suggesting (a little tongue-in-cheek) that the Commander in Chief may have made some men look bad because, hey, if he had time to take his wife out on a date, every man should have the time.

The article then went on to detail the lengths some men did not go to be romantic. Some poor women reported not having a night out as a couple in a very long time. But then, some couples found time for being romantic after decades of being together.

My hubby of twenty plus years and I have always tried to have a date night (except for the first few years after my daughter was born and neither of us wanted to let her out of our sight:). Even when money was tight, somehow once a month we scraped together enough for a babysitter (our families lived too far away to help much) and went to a movie. Eventually we could even afford dinner with the movie once in a while. Even with just those few hours, we'd be able to reconnect. For us that meant laughing at the absurdity of our busy lives or planning out home repairs or maybe a vacation or simply confiding in each other our respective work problems. Somehow, it felt intimate even though we were out in public places.

My daughter often chastises my husband for not being her version of romantic. No, he doesn't notice my hair when I get it done, or a new outfit, or anything I may do around the house. And, like many men, he isn't one to say the L-word often, in fact, he rarely shows his emotions.

But he is the type of guy who has tea waiting for me in the morning and makes it for me every night as we watch T.V. He's even been known to surprise me with a cup as I'm working away at the computer just because. I find that terribly romantic.

And, though he's not the most demonstrative soul, he won't leave the house in the morning without giving me a good-bye kiss, even tracking me down in the basement if need be. That always warms my heart.

Oh and he will bring me flowers for no reason--not often--but often enough to be memorable.

Perhaps most important, though, is that he's there for me, supporting me in anything I tackle. 24/7 I know I can depend upon him. To me, that's very romantic.

So while he may not whisk me off on a surprise vacation or take me to some place exotic on a date or text me that he loves me--he's romantic enough for me.

What does your husband or significant other do that you find romantic? Or what do you wish he'd do :) And do you do anything romantic for him?

When Your To-Do List Keeps Growing!

I used to be a pretty organized person. In my other life I ran a division of a major corporation for goodness sakes. Then I became a mom. Then I became a consultant. Then I became an author. Then I became a website founder. You get the picture.

I'm wearing a lot of hats--as most women are. Wife, mother, Chief Operating Officer of Our House, Inc., Business Owner, Website editor, Writer and chief promo person and my most important job--mother to a teenager (you think it will get easier as they get older but it just gets different.)

Lists used to be my saving grace. Write it down and it got done. Simple.

But it doesn't seem to work as well anymore. I have a white board in my office for a to-do list and one that gives me my week at a glance so I can't ignore it. But the problem is, my list is getting longer. I accomplish one task and two more take its place.

You'd think in this day and age of technology things would be easier. I look at those who scratched out a living on the ranches of the West and wonder what am I complaining about--and whether this farm girl would measure up. Life back then was hard. Work was from dawn to after dusk and no matter how hard you worked, the hand of fate could take it away in a storm or pestilence or financial collapse.

Wait a minute--that sounds an awful lot like life today!

I'm up at 6 a.m. to get my child off to school, work my day job and fit in housework, writing/promoting and being a mom in between and far into the evening as well as on weekends. The only difference is that my day job isn't physcial work (I have to work-out to get my exercise these days!) and my housework isn't the kind of drudgery that consumed the ranch wife of the 19th century.

And here's another, important difference--I'm doing things I enjoy--mostly! So I guess I'll count my blessings, make my list and keep trying to get it cut down! If anyone has any tips on getting organized and trimming that to-do list, please share. I'd sure appreciate the advice!

And the winner is.....

Yesterday you all had a great chance to win a free copy of Return to Wayback. There were only four commenters (one here and three at Liberty States Blog), however, so I put those names in a hat and pulled out one. The winner is...

Celia Yeary!

Celia, contact me at annecarrole@aol.com with your address and I'll get a signed copy of the book out to you. Congrats!

Hook 'em with Your Best Shoot

What do authors Nora Roberts, Linda Howard, Eloisa James, Rachel Gibson, Linda Lael Miller, Jennifer Crusie and Elizabeth Lowell all have in common—besides best sellers?

Great openings. But could you tell who wrote which great hook?

Check out Liberty States Fiction Writers' Blog Read Around the World and see if you can match the author to their opening paragraph—I’ve included the answers at the end of the article so you can check yourself.

And to celebrate the release of Return To Wayback today—I’m giving away a free copy of the book to one lucky person who leaves a comment today. So share your own favorite opening—or just tell which of the above author’s hook you liked best—or just say hi! Hope to see you there.

Don't you know Connor Mead? Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past and all.

This past weekend I went to see Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, hubby in reluctant tow. It was cute, sexy and ultimately romantic. It also posed the question of what is life without love--and romance.

Because haven't we all met this guy Connor Mead in some form or another? The player. The womanizer. The playboy. We women have a ton of ways to label him as "danger."


I knew a "Connor Mead" and he was a typically gorgeous man--who knew it. He used to run at lunch time with his shirt off, sending every warm-blooded woman to the windows as he jogged by, drool forming at the corners of our mouths.

He'd been married to a woman who looked like she had stepped out of the pages of Playboy but, as one would expect, the marriage had ended in divorce since he seemed to follow a very loose interpretation of the marriage vows. As a result, he was free to hit on anyone--and he did. Married? Older? Fifteen years younger? Everyone was fair game. And, like Connor Mead, he was clear that it was just a good time. Rumors were always flying around the office about who was his latest lady du jour.

Apparently, just like in the movie, there were enough women who were either just looking for a good time too, or thought they would be the one to change his wandering ways. Of course, no one ever did--change his wondering ways. Last I heard from a male colleague who had kept in touch with him, this Connor Mead was living alone in some resort town and hadn't changed his modus operandi one bit. Considering he must be close to retirement age, I find that interesting--and sad.

Because life without love and romance wouldn't appeal to me. Give me my happily ever-after--which, by the way, the movie delivers on even if real life may not always. And that's one of the benefits of being an author, we get to write that happily ever after. So here's wishing all the Connor Meads in this world some real romance in their life.

And ladies, if you're a fan of Texan Matthew McConaughey you'll definitely enjoy this movie.



And if you're a fan of Texas cowboys, check out Return to Wayback for a look at three hard-driving Texans, three reasons to come back and the special women who just might give them a reason to stay. Happily-ever-after guaranteed. Buy now at Amazon.com.

It's Here! It's Here!

Return to Wayback appeared on my porch today courtesy of UPS and my publisher. The first time holding a book with my story in it! Of course, I had to sit right down and read it--again, for like the tenth time. This time I relaxed and enjoyed the journey.

No one ever tells you that you'd better really love your story because you are going to be reading it over and over again. First, of course you do your own editing--for me that means I'm reading through it at least four or five or six times, reworking, revising, editing, polishing. I admit I have problems letting go (it's a little like sending your kid off to college) but finally I resist anymore fiddling.

So it is off to the publisher and then they send it back for edits. And they keep sending it back until there are no more mistakes to find--that could be three times. Then the galleys come--that's you're last time to proof--and that's usually two read-throughs minimum because you always find something.

But funny thing is--I haven't grown tired of Re-ride at the Rodeo--yet. I guess when it's your own....you do love it!

Have a great day--I'll still be floating for a while.

Return to Wayback is now available at Amazon.com or http://tinyurl.com/Return-to-Wayback-Amazon